Being 19

I absolutely loved being 18. The freedom, the sudden ability to do pretty much anything you wanted to do. I went to uni, look, I'm an adult. Boys began to get serious, instead of 'I want 2 be wif u my wifey 4 lifey'. How cool - it's a whole new world being 18. Then you're 19. Not a lot changes when you're 19, I don't think, however the 'growing up curve' rises steeply. More and more becomes real, or so it seems. But 6, 7, 8 months down the line, when a lot has changed, you're still 19. 19 is actually, when you think of it, still a kid. NineTEEN… kind of gives it away. You're a child stuck in an adult's world, I think I said that last time. I'm still trying to emphasise the point that I am in too much of a rush to grow up still. I'm bored of being stuck in the transition between child and adult. Being 19 sucks.
Never in my life has it been such a reality that one day I will get married. Each and every day it's getting closer to the day I'll one day hold my first child in my arms. How weird is that?! Weirder for me because I was never the kid at school who drew wedding dresses on pieces of scrap paper, or suggested the first game we should play should be 'Mams and Dads' as it's known up north. I used to play football with boys, make dens and pretend to be the naughty horse who ran off everywhere. I had friends who staged their wedding every lunchtime and recruited their best friends as bridesmaids. Can you imagine the arguments when you had 5 best friends but only 4 bridesmaid spaces?! I think when I was 9, I didn't even know what a bridesmaid was. Here, I didn't even like MUSIC until I was about 14. I hated having the radio or a CD on in the car. Now I have a Spotify subscription…

I also buy wedding magazines… I don't even know who I am anymore. I love looking through them. It's almost inconceivable that one day I'll use the ideas from these magazines to marry my best friend. Marrying your best friend?! How can that even be possible. I feel like my mental age has now been reduced to that of a 10 year old girly girl. I'm reliving the childhood thought processes I never properly had.

I bet this has all been brought on by that stupid little Ed Sheeran kid with his stupid little songs that could actually have been written around my actual life. I love him, I absolutely love him but when I've been listening to all these new album songs there's a ton of bricks dropping inside my soul as he sings lines like 'We keep this love in a photograph… you won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home' and 'And I know, you're gonna be away a while, but I got no plans at all to leave' and various other strings of words. Imagine marrying someone as perfect as Ed Sheeran. I think I've mentioned doing that before…

Ohhh mmyyy gooooosshshhhhhshshhh. I have just found this plugin for mac called LineIn and it is a pretty simple program that just relays the line in from your computer to your headphones in realtime, so you can hear whatever is going on around you in your headphones. I'm now my own Monitor Engineer haha. And because I am the shittest singer in the world, this makes me feel less bad about myself, because if you can hear yourself whilst you're singing, you are generally better at it, and that is why I am now the best singer in the world.
Honestly, it's a secret ambition of mine to be in a band. I'll never happen because I am the least musically talented person on the planet, and can't sing for nowt, but I'd still like to be in a band. Imagine how cool I'd be then.

This is the type of thing you see when you're high…
But no, this is an actual peacock that lives nearby to us now. We think it escaped, but it's been about 2 weeks now and noone has made any attempt to rescue it, so now we live with a peacock in the back garden. 

It was warm enough to wear the slutty shorts.
I actually refer to them in my head as 'the slutty shorts', which is bad because they're alright reallyyyyy…

My baby

I'm in lanyard heaven…
Training in TurningPoint, which does voting on Powerpoint. Obviously I needed 3 computers…

//Push your lack of chest out, look at my hair, gotta love the way you love yourself// 

Look how long my hair actually is though. I always have it tied up because it annoys me to no end, but sometimes when I've had it in a bun all day, it looks nice when I take it out, because it has a bit of a wave to it. I'm still in two minds about whether to cut it, because I like it long, but it's soooo heavy. You have no idea, if I could have someone stand behind me carrying it all day, I would.

Then we went to Beamish. I've only ever been to Beamish once before, when I was about 4. I missed every school trip there, because we didn't even go there in primary school and I was 'absent without leave' for secondary school trips… legit reasons, ofc.

I squeezed onto the seats in the little persons classroom

You can't tell how small this seat is, but it's pretty darn small…

And then I took about a million selfies #nofilter #yeahman

This is funny because it's actually my brothers hand haha

Nails at the minute. Really into the gradient thing, as you're probably aware…

White cats get the muddiest feet…
Lucky her magic tongue cleans it all away like brand new

I was the only one in Northumbria Uni's Sports Central for about half an hour. It's beautifully quiet.

I also bruised my two big toe nails. I've never bruised any of my nails ever, so this is something new. It hurts. A lot. One is worse than the other, and despite only about 45% of the nail being bruised, I have a feeling it will probably fall off, eww. I'm tempted to do the 'paperclip' technique and try to reduce the pressure by poking a hot piece of metal through my toenail. Or perhaps I should get a doctor to do it… I'll spare you the pictures.

I like billboards like this… :D

And I like pictures like this…

And I've just found out that we can catch up on certain channels, one being Boomerang. I have not seen the original Tom & Jerry cartoons since I was about 5, and I am desperate for them to broadcast one of my absolute favourites I used to have on VHS, along with a load of other programmes that pretty much made my childhood. 

Me and my brother made this cake. It looks amazing, and it doesn't taste too bad either…

I'm packing to go away 'on business' too, to Manchester. That never sounds real. How can I go away on business? Then I realise that I am a technical operator for an events company and I have the realistic chance to travel to any corner of the globe to press the advance key on powerpoint presentations. Start small, I already know what I want to start doing next. This is of course not where I saw my life going, but I guess it's pretty good.

I always try to remember the meeting I had with one of my sixth form teachers in the last few days of year 13. He called me into his office after I'd been to see him about something to do with UCAS. He asked me what I liked most about school, and what I think I got out of the last 7 years, and then went on to say that I was too quiet and needed to have more confidence if I was going to do anything in life, basically. I remember how put down I felt, in that someone who knew my name and my reference number could suddenly understand my personality and my life goals, and tell me I wasn't going to make it. How dare he, now I think back. I've been told a thousand times 'how much you've changed' and 'how outgoing you are' now that I've started uni (one comment by my own mother was 'you're just a gobshite now, can't shut you up'.) If I was who I was now, back then, I would have told him exactly where he can stick his opinion about me. I'm doing what I'm doing now to get back at him. I'm doing my absolute best for myself, albeit slowly, to prove his shitty little comments about me wrong. To make him think, 'wow, we were wrong about her', and suddenly when the school wants me back to do a talk about my school life and then my career, I can't make it because I'm too busy for them. I'm not full of myself, I know that probably won't happen, but I'm going to act as if it will.

Imagine if they ask me back and I can't go because I'm on tour, not for a band, but with my band hahahaha, because I've finally made it as a singer hahahahaha, yes.


Found these pictures too:

All but one of them involves a cat hahaha…



Jordanavia :)